Sunday, August 14, 2011

on mommy guilt...

Oh lord, the Mommy guilt.

Some days are not so peachy keen. Sebastian and I start the day having polar opposite moods. I am drained, tired and cranky. He has super energy, his listening/obeying skills are out of whack and everything has to be shoved in my face. Yes, I agree. Not the best combinations.

Most days all this wouldn't bother me as much. You know I like to always keep in mind that he is three years old and I just need breath through it and keep calm. But other days like yesterday I just can't. It can get to the point were everything irritates me and then that's when I do things that create Mommy guilt.

Creating a zoo out of my living room, using the furniture as if were a play set, shoving things into my face in order to get attention (when I am very much alert), not wanting to eat but junk food all day, throwing tantrums when I don't allow the consumption of junk food, refusing to take a nap yet then when I put him in the car to run an errand he falls asleep as soon as the last buckle clicks. And then laughing in my face when he deliberately does something he knows he can't.

That's when I am brought to do things like yell or send him to his room for a time out as he sits on his bed and forces himself to scream. Then I slump on the couch and cry. I cry because I wish the day would end, I cry because I don't understand why he is acting the way he is, I cry because I had the feelings I have, I cry because I fear that I am a horrible mother. I cry because I just want to be alone. And I cry because I feel guilty.

Later on I called my dad. Which seems to be a reoccurring thing when I have tough days. I told him how I was feeling and this is what he told me-- Being a mother is a hard job. I bet Sebastian has so many more good days than bad ones. And all these feelings you are have doesn't make you a bad mother but a GOOD one. He is a wise man. Even though those words are simple one they were what I need to hear. They gave me strength.

Mommy guilty is a funny thing. There are so many different forms of it. Like when I give Sebastian too many treats and he is all sugar high just because he's just too darn cute when he asks for them pleez mommy-- I get guilty. Or when secretively some days I don't like going to the play ground because I have to keep close watch so my huge kid doesn't knock down the poor little kids and because I hate getting all sweaty while running around after him-- I feel guilty. And then there's that Mommy guilt that is sort of on accident like the other day I totally shut the door in Sebastian's face ON ACCIDENT and well, it hurt. Those big crocodile tears streaming down his sweet face all from an accident caused by me. BAM. Mommy guilt. Ya feel me?

So, later there I was in bed next to my husband and Sebastian in his room sound asleep thinking to myself boy, today was ridiculous yet I wouldn't change it for the world! I guess what I'm trying to say is that we are human. Yes, Mommies are human too. I know we seem super human at times but I assure you we are just like you. That bad days happen and that it's okay. It's OKAY. Because tomorrow is a new day and you lived through it and learned.

Mommy guilt is the worst :) But when he's 18 I bet I'll be looking back at these days wishing they weren't so far away.


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