Friday, May 14, 2010

on accepting & letting go...

Sorry for being MIA for a few days. The weather has been quite erratic--rain, sun, clouds, rain, rain...sun! And because of this I think that I've been a little sluggish. I do not like it one bit but what can you do. Nothing. Matter of fact I'm not the only one who is feeling like this, Sebastian has not wanted to wake up the past couple days. Doesn't matter what I do--sing the wake up song, give him kisses or even give him a little shake...I said little. Nothing would get him to even open one eye. What am I suppose to do when I need him to wake up to get him ready for daycare and is not giving me any sign of consciousness, I get him ready while he is sleeping! Yep. That's what I did. I got his diaper changed and him dressed from head to toe without him waking up and even put him into the car too. So yes, Sebastian is in the same boat as his momma :)

There has been a few moments in life right now that have showed me how much I'm done caring. I've said this before, I know I have. But I was swept up into it again. See it might sound selfish of me to say this but if you know my story and the current drama that has been on and off in my family you would understand. If you don't, maybe some day you will but as of right now I won't tell you my story. Not because I am ashamed or simply don't have the courage too. It's because when I think about all that went down in the past I get angry. Mainly angry towards one person and their evil doings but I get like that. And I don't like too. A big doing in me moving across country from my hometown was to get away from that negative energy that was always around everywhere I went. Although I haven't technically escaped...
If you know me, you know that I am very headstrong and outspoken. I have strong opinions, especially about people. If I don't like what I see I tell it like it is. That is just how I work.
I'm a big sister. I've been protecting my little sister for half her life. The half that has not been so steady and supportive. Tried to guide and help with conflict or advise. I've been working so hard to help steer her in the right direction. So, hard that I will lay in bed at night thinking about what she is doing, who she is with, how are her grades, is she doing drugs...aaaaand many more discomforting thoughts. All thoughts a parent thinks. I've been thinking these thoughts way before I even became a parent myself so, you know that she is pretty important to me.
I'm at the point now that I am out of energy. I'm exhausted with worry. And frankly, I'm done doing it. I'll be honest and say that I don't agree with what she is doing and how she treats situations. People say, "Oh she is a teenager". Yeah, I'm well aware she is a teenager but right now is what shapes her to be the person she will become in the future. I've tried. She will live her life and when it comes time she will realize that I was right. Just like I've come to realize my father was right about so many things. It's part of growing up, is it not? Am I being ridiculous? Tell me if I am. Is it selfish for me to completly stop caring?
This is were I have to say that I give mad props to my father! How does he do this? I was quite a handful when I was younger for different reasons altogether but still how does he do it. I mean I'm across the world and I CANT STAND IT!
On the flip side, for sake of argument--I do deep down have some regret. Because I know in my heart of hearts that if I would have never moved, all this drama would not be going on. I would of kept on doing what I was doing a few years back and kept everything undercontrol and be the almighty enforcer.
Soooo that's what I've been battling this week. Joy. It never stops for me. I need to have some sort of different mind set about all of this because crying and worrying over something that I've realized I can't control even if I try with everything I have, it still won't change a damn thing!
Anyways, don't ask me how things are going with my sister...I don't know. I don't know who she is or what she is doing. I just don't know. I don't care. Don't ask because I won't answer. (Or I just might burst into tears, I don't think you want that.)

On a more lighter note, and boy does this post need it right about now, I have the most shocking, amazing & exciting news to share with all of you...BUT I can't yet. Don't you love me. It's not 100% set in stone right this moment and most likely will be after this weekend. I know if I share this thrilling news with you and it ends up falling through I will probably want to dig a hole, climb into it and die! So, your most likely asking yourself why the heck did I just bring this up when I really won't even tell. It's because I'm teasing you. And it makes me feel better :)

This weekend will be one of those blah ones once again. Bobby is working tomorrow but only during the day. Which sounds so much better than night! Tomorrow Sebastian and I will be hanging out, cleaning some, and doing a few light errands. Sunday will be food shopping day, which I am super excited for since we NEED food. Also because for Mother's Day I got the best ever Vegetarian cook book from the mum inlaw. It looks like this...
The wonderful thing about it is that there are more than 100 reciepes and with pictures with every one of them! That's what I love about it. You will be happy that I am going to be documenting every reciepe that I attempt from this lovely book so that you, dear reader can go and whip up some of these delish foods. Aaaaand see for yourself that Vegetarianism can actually taste great :-p

When I think that just next weekend Bobby and I will be finally going to MMRBQ a big huge grin forms on my face! I've wanted to go evey year that I've lived here but never got around to it. We will be going with Chris, Bobby's little bro, who is bringing along a few of his buddies. Rock 'n' Roll baby.
The annual Ford Car Show in Carlisle Pennsylvania will be occuring on June 4th-6th. This little trip has become a tradition for our little family :) One that we always have a great time at. Sebastian went for the first time last year (not including the time before when he was in my belly--which wasn't as fun...8 months preggo in 100 degree heat=not fun!), and he had a ball. I think each year will be better and better with the older Sebastian gets. Especially when he realizes that Daddy has a rockin' car that eveyone drools over :)

Last night was the season finalle of Vampire Diaries. It was sooooooo good. I was on the edge of my seat with my phone in my hand so I was able to text Courtney every time something crazy happend. They did a great job and the end was so overwhelming that I was jumping up and down screaming at myself for the show totally being amazingly unexpected. I even had to call Court at the end of the show and do a recap of all the events. We are both going to have an extreme withdrawl without our show this summer!

I would like to end tonight with a wonderful invention that I found at The Deli Garage:
It would be very bad for me to get my fingers on this stuff for if you came over you would find me in a pile of shinny gold covered food!


1 comment :

  1. I am sorry about your turmoil. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.